Codependency and Narcissism: What's the Connection?
No two relationships are exactly alike. People all over the world find their match, often with a person who shares similar wants, needs, interests, goals, and more.
But, as they say, opposites attract. People will also often find their match in a person who is wholly different from them. Individuals in these relationships complement one another, fill in the gaps of the other, find balance, and somehow, despite all the contrasts, it works.
Codependency and narcissism are one of those "opposites attract" types of relationships. Although these traits may not be the best for forming a secure, healthy, and long-lasting relationship, codependent and narcissistic individuals are often drawn to one another.
So, what exactly is the connection between codependency and narcissism?
What Is Codependency?
Codependency, is a learned behavior characterized by an excessive emotional reliance on another person. It often causes individuals to form unhealthy relationships due to this emotional dependence. This type of trait in a relationship means that this individual is prone to putting their partner's wants and needs above their own. While this may seem like an admirable quality, it can lead to both relational and mental health struggles due to dismissing one's own wants and needs in the service of the wants and needs of the other.
What Is Narcissism?
Narcissism is not, in and of itself, a bad thing. I tend to think of narcissism as existing on a spectrum from 1-10, with those without enough narcissism in the 1-3 range, those with too much, or unhealthy narcissism in the 8-10 range, and those with healthy narcissism falling in the middle arena of 4-7. Unhealthy narcissism tends to be characterized by an excessive self-focus and lack of empathy for others. People who show unhealthy narcissistic tendencies often have an inflated sense of self, grandiose self-entitlement, and a constant need for admiration from others.
The Connection
Attraction
Codependent and narcissistic people seem to be magnetically drawn to one another. There is often a sense of attraction that occurs between these two types of individuals. This is oftentimes because narcissistic individuals tend to want a sense of control, while codependent people want to rely on, and take responsibility for their partners as a way to care for them, or even attempt to fix them. Codependent individuals tend to have a sense of selflessness. Narcissistic individuals often target this selflessness and exploit it, often using it to their own advantage.
Behaviors
The behaviors of narcissistic and codependent individuals are completely opposite of one another. However, these two types of people tend to attract each other, which is why this relationship dynamic is so pervasive. Codependent individuals often derive much of their self-worth from pleasing their partners. If their partner is happy, they're happy, and the converse is true as well. Codependent partners benefit from this alliance by not having to assert their needs, and not having to deal with overt conflict, due to not even recognizing their own desires.
Narcissistic individuals often consider themselves to be extremely important, and generally have a matching grandiose sense of self-entitlement. Surprisingly, they often still require a lot of reassurance and validation, due to the weak, inferior, insecure self-concept they often hold inside. Narcissistic individuals gain from having codependent partners by receiving a ready supply of constant validation, admiration, and emotional support, without even having to consider their codependent partner’s needs or boundaries.
Enabling
When narcissistic and codependent individuals are in a relationship with one another, enabling can occur. Enabling can be understood as a pathological form of extending compassion, or losing oneself to take care of the other. As such, a codependent person may start to enable the behaviors of a narcissistic partner by putting their partner’s needs above their own, ignoring some of their red flags, or even making excuses for their partner’s actions and behaviors.
How Codependency and Narcissism Impact Relationships
Codependency and narcissism can cause a number of problems within a relationship, especially if that relationship involves both traits. This type of relationship dynamic can cause problematic intra-psychic or interpersonal patterns, as well contribute to other relationship challenges with family, friends, and/or work. Here are some of the most troubling consequences of narcissism and codependency:
Emotional abuse
Manipulation
Controlling behavior
Constant arguing
Low self-esteem
Anxiety
Depression
Distorted sense of self-worth
Communication problems
Lack of trust
Intimacy issues
Next Steps
Breaking the cycle of narcissism and codependency may not be easy, but it is possible with the right guidance, insight, and motivation. Working with a mental health professional who is skilled in identifying narcissistic and codependent behaviors can be invaluable in identifying the root causes of this relationship dynamic, as well as working through the symptoms that you may be experiencing.
No matter what your relationship currently looks like, it's possible to put in the work to create a healthier situation. It's also possible to give yourself some space and take time to focus on yourself. Whenever you're ready, I’m here for you. Reach out to me today to learn more about how working with a relationship therapist can help you build stronger, more fulfilling connections throughout your life.