Feeling Rejected or Abandoned? Ways to Manage the Pain and Move Forward
For good reason, most people would associate abandonment issues with childhood. When a child faces neglect, loss of a parent, or inconsistent caregiving, all of these will have a clear effect. That said, it’s not as if such issues just vanish as a child grows into adulthood. Unless they’ve been addressed and resolved, abandonment issues will impact adults in some very serious ways.
When feelings of insecurity are allowed to linger, they will shape adult behaviors in negative ways. For example, the adult who feels rejected can struggle mightily with relationships of any kind — partners, friends, co-workers, and more. Fortunately, it’s never too late to manage the pain and move forward.
A Few Common Signs That an Adult Is Struggling With Abandonment Issues
Low self-esteem, self-effacing comments
An inability to deeply trust others
Engage in behaviors that sabotage relationships
Very detached or very clingy
Seeking to control situations to avoid rejection
Mood swings
Social withdrawal
Signs like these can mean many things, but collectively, they should not be dismissed as “quirks.”
How Abandonment Issues Can Harm Adult Relationships
Trust: When you live in fear of abandonment, trusting others feels dangerous.
Self-Sabotage: This is most likely unconscious, but choices like jealousy, passive-aggression, possessiveness, defensiveness, and detachment can poison any connection. However, this can be viewed by some as preferable to getting too close before getting rejected.
Intimacy: People who didn’t experience healthy intimacy when they desperately needed it can fear this essential part of any relationship. Getting too close, they worry, is how rejection happens.
Ways to Manage the Pain of Abandonment and Move Forward
Everyone’s journey is different, so this crucial effort can be most effective when you connect with a compatible therapist. However, some general self-help steps can help lay the groundwork for healing.
Accept Your Feelings
What happened during your childhood is not your fault. Therefore, a very self-loving choice is to acknowledge the past and validate how it still makes you feel. Give yourself room to grieve as you move forward.
Challenge Your Negative Inner Voice
The circumstances of your early life almost certainly have embedded some negative beliefs in your mind. Now is the time to do some fact-checking. Talk back to your internal critic as you take the steps below to become more nurturing to yourself.
Practice Self-Compassion
You can find ways to provide yourself with the compassion and nurturing you’ve always wanted. Think of it as re-parenting, e.g.
Self-Soothing: Be actively kind to yourself — especially in times of stress. Develop ways to calm yourself when life feels overwhelming. Work with your therapist to learn valuable skills like mindfulness and journaling.
Recognize Your Triggers: Identify and name what can stir up fears and negative memories. This makes it easier to evade such situations (or people).
Set and Enforce Healthy Boundaries: When you know your triggers, you can effectively set healthy boundaries.
Develop Meaningful Hobbies and Interests: Enrich your life with ventures that light up your soul. Remind yourself that you are well worth the effort to enhance your joy.
Help Others: Living a life of altruistic service is a powerful step toward building self-esteem and breaking free of counterproductive patterns.
Self-Education: Learn as much as you can about abandonment trauma.
You Do Not Have to Go It Alone
As mentioned, an experienced therapist can be an important guide on the journey of reclaiming your autonomy. In addition, you can connect with support groups (online and/or in person) to interact with people who understand the struggle. Since your issues were caused by a lack of support, this is the ideal time to create a healthy support system. If you need more support on this journey, I invite you to reach out and learn more about trauma counseling.