Reclaiming Your Projections - Tools For Healthy Relationships
Relationships can be the source of our deepest joy, as well as painful frustration in life. When we fall in love, we tend to project unconscious, positive feelings and idealized characteristics onto our love interest, often forming the basis of our attachment.
Conversely, we sometimes engage in a parallel process in which we ascribe our disowned, less positive feelings onto another. By so doing, we assign negative characteristics to that person through a process called projection.
Projection is a defense mechanism which describes the unconscious process of displacing one’s positive or negative thoughts, feelings or behaviors onto another person.
When you project your unconscious, negative feelings onto your partner or spouse, conflict often ensues. Negative projections can distress an otherwise happy relationship due to the chaos and confusion they often create.
Let’s say your partner feels attracted to a friend at work. But, instead of dealing with their feelings about the attraction, they accuse you of being attracted to one of your co-workers. In this way, your partner displaces their feelings about their attraction onto you.
In this scenario, your partner’s feelings become a “hot potato” which they throw to you through the process of projection. By so doing, they are relieved of the discomfort of their guilt or shame by projecting these feelings onto you. Being the recipient of another’s projections can leave you feeling a bit perplexed.
By accusing you of feelings they deny within themselves, they may initially spare themselves feelings of guilt or shame. However, projecting unwanted feelings onto your partner often results in conflict, hurt and anger, which can even devolve into a toxic relational pattern.
How To Know If Someone Is Projecting
It can be tricky to spot projection in others, but there are some telltale signs. If your partner is overly critical of you, blaming you, making accusations without proof or becoming defensive when questioned, they could be projecting. Projection can sometimes be a challenge to identify in others, because it usually refers to an unconscious process.
The content of their accusations can be illuminating, as it offers you a window into their psyche. The material therein often portrays a psychic repository of their disowned feelings, judgments and self-criticisms, any of which may end up being projected onto you.
As is often the case with projection, your partner may accuse you of the things they are in fact thinking or feeling themselves. For example, if your partner tends to be self-critical, they may be convinced that you are critical of them, and then become highly reactive toward you at the slightest inference of criticism.
How Can You Reclaim Your Projections?
1. DEVELOP YOUR SELF-AWARENESS
Knowing if you’re projecting onto your partner requires the development of your self-awareness. Being mindful of your own thoughts, feelings or judgments can help you catch projections. Set an intention to notice your behavioral patterns and track any themes. This introspection offers valuable insight and may help you to identify projection patterns in you or your partner.
2. GET SOME PERSPECTIVE
Try to approach your projections with curiosity and self-compassion rather than judgment. If you think you might be projecting, getting some perspective on the situation can offer relief and provide clarity. Taking a breath and giving yourself some space can reduce distress, give you valuable perspective and help you get clear on the facts.
3. Revisit the facts
Review the facts to better understand your reactions. Ask yourself if you’re making assumptions about what they think or feel without factual evidence. If your feelings or beliefs about your partner are influenced by your own beliefs or judgments, you may be projecting. It will serve your relationship to work on reclaiming these projections as your own self-criticisms.
4. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
If you have an intensely negative reaction to something your partner has said or done, recognize that what you see in another person is at times something you may struggle to accept within yourself. Taking responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings can help you defuse the tendency to project. Ultimately, reclaiming your projections can help ease tensions, improve communication and support you to move from conflict to connection in your relationship.
Getting Off the Roller Coaster
If you’re feeling frustrated or exhausted from being on a rollercoaster in your relationship, are yearning for peace and calm but aren’t sure how to find it, please know that you can break free from toxic patterns and start your journey to healing.
Individual therapy can support you to learn healthier, happier patterns in relationship. If you could use support, reach out to me to schedule an initial telephone consultation. I look forward to hearing from you and the opportunity to work together.